In Maldon the river is seriously silting up and nobody will accept responsibility for dredging it.

I’m the creep of Maldon quay. Your cash belongs to me.
One day when you are moored, I’ll sneak my way on board
When you’re glued in the ooze, I’ll collect my harbour dues
I’ll take your mooring fee, I’m the creep of Maldon quay

My welcome ‘s unfriendly; please stay away at sea.
If you’re deep in the sludge you’ll need a tow to budge.
There’s mud at Maldon quay, sprinkled with debris,
Of that I’ll guarantee. I’m the creep of Maldon quay

Oh I’m the Creep of Maldon quay. I’m a council employee.
When in the mud you’re stuck – Then I don’t care a lot.
When you can’t get afloat, Then I will sit and gloat.
I’ll count my cash with glee. I’m the creep of Maldon quay.

1. Tune: The sheik of araby

Zonk A lizard.

Dustibro The unused parts of a house that collect junk and dust.

Paxst / Paxed Present and correct hours ago and keen to start. eg “Come on! We’ll be late! No you can’t clean the crumbs from the toaster! I’m Paxst.”

A book of poems by Mr G a Evans was published including the blurb the new Betjeman. So a little bit of research about Mr Evans and then Tally Ho!

The gas was on in the Institute,
The light was on in the shack,
A man was running a terrible cold,
A lass was laid on her back,
When G A Evans the Chippenham man,
G A Evans from Chippenham,
Came writing about the olden time
When chips were made of germanium
Writing about -
Writing about -
Writing about the Mullard
Transistor OC Seventy-One while showing he’s no dullard.

The sun shone low on the railway line
Aroundabouts Bath and Colne
And sat at the upstairs window
Was ‘GA’ all alone
When he saw the ghost of Betjeman,
Sir John with his pen full of ink
Come tripping along in a pin stripe suit
For a Saturday evening drink.
Sipping a drink -
Sipping a drink -
At the bar of the old Bull and Bush
Sipping some more he fell off his stool and faded away in a rush.

There wasn’t a man in Winterbourne
That didn’t think it a fake,
And over the valley in Trowbridge,
And round by Savernake,
When G A Evans the Chippenham man,
G A Evans from Chippenham,
Made him his heir and brought him drinks
And how quickly he’d been sipping ‘em.
Made him his heir
Made him his heir
To write technical information
Paying a call at WH Smith to pick up his publication.

1. The original is called A Shropshire Lad

What work, by whom, contains, amongst other things, speak-your-weight machines being trained to sing the Hallelujah Chorus?

My Baby’s train aint commin’ back
The motor fell off onto the track
The Central line don’t run no more
If tanks worked like trains there’d be no war

Read more

Cognologs and Cognostories are nearly ready. Here’s a click-for-more story to inspire you to have a go at the five-part format. Remember, the object of the exercise is for you to stop and think about the story and how it might continue for yourself.

1
George Barker decided this would definitely be his last pint. He’d lost count long ago and it was time to stop.
Read more

There’s nothing the songwriter likes more than a good death. There’s plenty of opportunity for high emotion and sorrowful reverie; there will be a story to tell either about the unfortunate chain of events or for why the deceased should be remembered. There’s the slight handicap of having to come up with something just right for the moment against the clock, but often this is a worthy cause to note the passing of a well respected friend. There’s an old tradition of broadsheets being sold at public executions which give lurid descriptions of the felonies and notorious exploits of the criminal. Modern writers might want to take a look at the Darwin Awards or look up “unusual deaths” on Wikipedia (Can I tempt you with a 50-year-old bricklayer from King’s Lynn who died laughing while watching an episode of The Goodies?)

But on the serious side, a card or a notice in the paper will soon be lost whereas a good song will enter the folk tradition and still be around on 100 years time. Read more

Here’s something to think about while I’m getting the cognolog (q.v.) program finished. The prefixes ultra- and extra- are very similar in meaning but we have no difficulty in using the right one in the right place.

One references a point on a line the other a boundary to an area. Surely the ease of being able to separate these two concepts points to an inbuilt mental faculty or ingrained facility which in turn points to a basic appreciation of distance and boundaries.

Clarksole

Arrogant driver. From the TV presenter Jeremy Clarkson.

Durbrain

Dim-wit. From “dur – my brain hurts”.

Scribblything

Something to write with.

Shonet

Utterly useless bit of junk. Esp. useful when applied as a product name. eg “Microsoft’s Shonet browser”. From S-H-one-T